Between Two Worlds

I’m warning you now this post is gonna be different. If you’re tired of reading about what I do day-to-day as an au pair, then this is the post for you. If you’re not, more posts like that will be coming shortly.
Whatever the case, I currently have something to talk about that seems much more significant than the fact that I recited a poem in French class the other day, or that I’ve been giving the kids a shower by myself in the evenings. So I’m temporarily taking this blog in another direction.

For the first few weeks back at home (France home), things were really good. My class is great (for the most part) and having days off is fabtabulous. But this past week, things changed [that sounds horrible and it’s not actually life-alteringly terrible, I promise. Don’t freak out].

Last weekend I got a horrible migraine that ended in me throwing up multiple times. Which happens sometimes, but rarely. Since then, physically things haven’t been the same. I’m constantly sick to my stomach, sometimes nauseous, often feel like I’m getting a headache, and have a serious lack of appetite. And for a while, I was super confused as to why. But I’ve been doing some research (because that’s what I do) and I think I have at least part of an answer. I think I’m homesick to the point of really being sick.

To be honest, I never really thought that was possible. I don’t remember being sick even when I went off to college for the first time (which was super rough), and nothing like this happened this past summer when I was here. In fact, if you followed my blog at all, you know that I didn’t have any real desire to go back home. And one of the strangest things is that my physical symptoms seem much worse than my mental ones. When I think about being homesick, I think of this overwhelming desire to go home and seriously missing the people and things there. But I don’t think about home excessively. I mean, sure I miss my family and my friends and my cat and Caribou, but I don’t think “man I wish I was home” or “I wonder what’s happening in Minnesota right now.” Sometimes I feel lonely and exhausted, but that seems like a normal thing being across the ocean alone and working with three tiny children.

I’m trying to figure it all out. Because sometimes things seem really, really good, but then other times I feel physically and emotionally drained. And some days I’ll be super excited about what’s to come, but then I get on the bus to go to class and all of a sudden I just feel physically terrible.

I’m hoping that eventually another post will come from this, like a “my concrete discovery on why I all of a sudden feel physically ill and what I’m doing about it,” or “ways to deal with being homesick abroad” or “how I fought my homesickness and enjoyed my time as an au pair more than ever.” But for now I just had to put that out there. It’s certainly not the end of this story.


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